Sunday, October 3, 2010

A new member of the family?


Yeah... lately I have been sorta depressed. Its okay though... don't freak out or anything. Its not effecting my daily routines or anything. Anybody who knows me, knows that we have been wanting another baby for a while now (2 years). And back in January, I got pregnant and then miscarried. Well that baby would have been born this week. So the last few weeks have been hard for me. I feel like everyone around me is pregnant or has just recently had a baby. It pains me right now to see mothers and their new bundles of joy. I know it was a blessing for us to not have that baby, but that was MY baby. I don't know why and I don't really understand why God didn't want him or her to come to this earth and be with us. I know I said I was fine with it back in Feb, but I don't think I am now. I never thought it would come back and that I would feel this way. It sorta just hit me when I was holding my friend's new baby boy a couple weeks ago. So I have been a little sad lately. Tyler has been trying to help me get through this. And Lucy is cuter than ever and so loving and helpful.

I guess I just need to remember that it isn't my decision really. Its all God's plan for us. I know a lot of my family thinks that we shouldn't get pregnant because we are not financially stable. But Tyler and I don't agree. We think that if we waited to be financially stable, we would probably never have another child. And We believe that Money should not keep us from having a family. there are FAR more important things in life than money. AND it is not up to ANYONE else to judge or say that they know what is best for Tyler and I.

Although I would never trade the last 3 years with Lucy for anything. If I could go back and change her birth and her complications, I wouldn't. Because that made us who we are as a family. Tyler and I needed that trial in our lives. Lucy brought us so much closer. WE have been through so much, the 3 of us. But I feel like I was robbed in the Mothering process with her. I didn't get to hold her for 2 weeks after she was born. I didn't get to nurse her. I didn't get to experience that real bond with my child. And I would give anything to have that. I am ready. Tyler is ready. So I guess we are just waiting patiently until the Lord sees it fit to bless us with another addition to our family. I don't think I will be able to get over losing a baby or an embryo, or whatever you want to call it. BUT IT WAS MINE. I will never forget that joy I felt when I saw that plus sign. And the joy I felt when Tyler and I shared in the excitement. But i will also never forget the way our families reacted. And you know how you reacted.

I am sorry if you don't agree with me about any of this, and I am sorry if I have brought you down in any way. But this is MY blog and I can and will write whatever I want, I needed to get this out. And if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
I know there isn't much I can do about timing and what Heavenly Father has in store. But we will continue living righteously and praying, and loving each other until that day comes. Until then... I think we will get a fish!


Tif said...

Big hugs, Bonnie.

Our situations/circumstances are obviously different but emotions trend the same. I've also had it intimated to me that John and I should just move along with life. But like you said-it's our lives, not theirs. It's a very very personal decision to add to your family. One that doesn't involve anyone on this earth beyond you and your husband.

Grieve your loss. My due date was less than 2 weeks ago and yeah...depressed would about cover it! But you have to feel those emotions in order to be able to put them in the background (because they really will never be completely gone) and to have room for new feelings as life progresses.

I know it's hard knowing that people who are supposed to be supportive think that you should be "responsible" and just not add to your family. But I'm so glad that you've got the love and support of Tyler to bolster your through.

Steve n' Michelle said...

I love you Bonnie, and I am so sorry that you have had to go through this trial right now. Heavenly Father loves you very much and he knows your pain like no one else could ever understand. Stay close to him and he will fill you with indescribable peace. I have seen it in my own life.
Don't worry what others think, just keep doing what you know is right for your family. Hey, if we waited to have children till we were financially stable, I would probably be sterile!!

Woodrich Family said...

I love you, Bonnie! I agree with you when you say there are more important things in life than Money. Millions of them! As long as you are teaching your children about their Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, that's what's important. Did you hear the talk yesterday by the member of the Seventy who had 8 siblings raised in a 2 bedroom house? Obvioulsy, he turned out to be a worthy righteous man! Heavenly Father will let you know what is right for YOUR family! Hang in there!!

Michelle said...

My dearest Bonnie, as you can see there are plenty who are supporting you and know that you are a smart and beautiful woman. You and Tyler need to make the decisions for your family. No one else has to deal with the consequences but you guys! So you guys keep doing the right thing and you will be blessed. I also think that you do need to grieve and get through the "mourning process" and know that HF does have a plan for you and that baby. And that baby is yours and you should never forget that. But do know that Heavenly Father loves you but needs you to do things that sometimes we don't want to do. I love you so much and value your friendship! You are an amazing mother and wife and friend and we are all lucky to have you in our lives!!!

Joseph and Katie said...

losing a baby is so, so hard. my mom had a still born nearly 30 years ago, and she still thinks of her as her baby, and i think of her as a sister. that baby is yours, and always will be. my mom gets flowers each year on the day she had her, just as a little reminder that she will get to raise that sweet girl someday. i've found trying to understand why she didn't get to be here doesn't help as much as just having faith that she is loved and its someone else's plan, not mine. :) you guys do what you need to do- we are anything but financially stable! but having my little ones has brought me more joy than i could ever hope for. trying to imagine this world without them in it is painful. kids are so worth it!

lucy is ADORABLE by they way- so stinking cute!

Brooke said...

So I looked in my phone and saw your name but I called and it was the wrong number, so you must have changed your number. But I want to say you are not alone. I feel like we as a people are so judgmental and I feel like I judge myself more than anyone judges me. I discourage myself all the time about having a family and being so young but I know it is right. I know Heavenly Father encouraged us to be married and to have Case. So basically I just want to say thank you for saying what I am always too scared to say to others but especially to myself. I think we all feel that discouragement in our lives, I am glad you can keep having faith and keep pushing forward.