Yeah... lately I have been sorta depressed. Its okay though... don't freak out or anything. Its not effecting my daily routines or anything. Anybody who knows me, knows that we have been wanting another baby for a while now (2 years). And back in January, I got pregnant and then miscarried. Well that baby would have been born this week. So the last few weeks have been hard for me. I feel like everyone around me is pregnant or has just recently had a baby. It pains me right now to see mothers and their new bundles of joy. I know it was a blessing for us to not have that baby, but that was MY baby. I don't know why and I don't really understand why God didn't want him or her to come to this earth and be with us. I know I said I was fine with it back in Feb, but I don't think I am now. I never thought it would come back and that I would feel this way. It sorta just hit me when I was holding my friend's new baby boy a couple weeks ago. So I have been a little sad lately. Tyler has been trying to help me get through this. And Lucy is cuter than ever and so loving and helpful.
I guess I just need to remember that it isn't my decision really. Its all God's plan for us. I know a lot of my family thinks that we shouldn't get pregnant because we are not financially stable. But Tyler and I don't agree. We think that if we waited to be financially stable, we would probably never have another child. And We believe that Money should not keep us from having a family. there are FAR more important things in life than money. AND it is not up to ANYONE else to judge or say that they know what is best for Tyler and I.
Although I would never trade the last 3 years with Lucy for anything. If I could go back and change her birth and her complications, I wouldn't. Because that made us who we are as a family. Tyler and I needed that trial in our lives. Lucy brought us so much closer. WE have been through so much, the 3 of us. But I feel like I was robbed in the Mothering process with her. I didn't get to hold her for 2 weeks after she was born. I didn't get to nurse her. I didn't get to experience that real bond with my child. And I would give anything to have that. I am ready. Tyler is ready. So I guess we are just waiting patiently until the Lord sees it fit to bless us with another addition to our family. I don't think I will be able to get over losing a baby or an embryo, or whatever you want to call it. BUT IT WAS MINE. I will never forget that joy I felt when I saw that plus sign. And the joy I felt when Tyler and I shared in the excitement. But i will also never forget the way our families reacted. And you know how you reacted.
I am sorry if you don't agree with me about any of this, and I am sorry if I have brought you down in any way. But this is MY blog and I can and will write whatever I want, I needed to get this out. And if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
I know there isn't much I can do about timing and what Heavenly Father has in store. But we will continue living righteously and praying, and loving each other until that day comes. Until then... I think we will get a fish!